Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
