he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
my liver is dry heaving
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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