I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
