saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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