I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
