just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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