My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
try to milk me bitch
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