My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
