hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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