From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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