glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
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We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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