When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
