To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm always down for nudity.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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