Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
