he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
