I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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