Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
dude. I can hear the air.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
