Who did Billy Mays play for?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
