Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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