i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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