3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
