How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
