I just threw up on my dentist
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
