how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
