so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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