i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
