I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
