Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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