Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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