we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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