He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
