Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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