I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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