Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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