I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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