the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
