I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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