I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
