i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The power of my boobs compel you
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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