Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
