There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
