grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
