I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
