their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
