I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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