i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
