i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
