We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
