Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
