my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
