Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
