the condom got lost in my hair
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
