Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
