She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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