i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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