His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
